I am a pushover. I take the blame for things that aren’t my fault. I don’t defend myself and my ideas when I get anxious for reasons I don’t understand, even when I know 100% I’m right. Probably because I suck at understanding things, so I can justify myself fucking up and only realize after that I didn’t do what I was accused of. I reason with myself why people could say such ridiculous, inflammatory things and talk myself out of defending myself. I automatically agree to doing things I don’t want to do. I shut down in scenarios like that. I become a robot and go through the motions, resigned to silence and not thinking about it. I don’t say anything when people hurt me or make me feel uncomfortable. Probably something to do with my childhood, where any time I said anything about anything ever–including being bullied–I was punished, told to shut up, treated like a burden, deemed annoying, or blatantly ignored. I never had anything I said acknowledged. Even now, when I speak as eloquently or as clearly as possible, it doesn’t feel like anyone is listening to me.
I wish I could be more like Nicki Minaj and not let people push me into dark, quiet corners where I feel misplaced and unworthy and like I don’t belong. I wish I knew a way to stop being invalidated every time I speak. I wish I knew a way to make myself heard.