Ironically enough, this entire pro-black, black girls rock, #blackgirlmagic, naturally beautiful, body positivity, break down the gender norms and heteronormative standards and binaries blah blah blah gave made me like myself less. I’m not magical or outstanding or… anything. I’ve generally always been positive and accepting and I’ve always had broad definitions of beautiful that features and centers the very people that are centered now. The only difference is that I’m not featured and I don’t feature myself anymore and the one vain girl that took selfies fresh out of bed 9 days out of 10 now hides and ducks from cameras and mirrors.
I keep changing things in the hopes that I’ll be more okay with myself. I switch up hair styles. I got a tattoo. I contemplated shaving the back of my head and also piercing my nose. I got new earrings and a new backpack. I got a journal so that I would have some depth and hobbies and not rely on appearances. I’m still hollow. I tried to write again. I got new music and some new books. I decided to change birth control and now can’t not obsess over it. I got a shirt that says “MELANIN POPPIN'”so that I can feel invincible. I’m getting tattooed again (to finish the previous, which is huge.) I am resisting the urge to cut all my hair off.
I went on vacation and the only thing I kept thinking about was stopping the car on the middle of a highway, getting out, and disappearing into the woods and not coming back.
I don’t like the words that come out of my mouth. I sound awkward and perpetually uncomfortable. I have no conviction. I hear myself but I am internally cringing while I speak.
I have issues defining worth outside of other people. I don’t care how they view me, but I am incapable of seeing a purpose or worth without the existence of people around me. I was once in a huge group of people, a “safe space” that did not feel all that safe, and I think that’s why I don’t feel like me anymore.
Only the bright side, my GRE scores are not abyssmal. I’m not perfect, I don’t stand out (I got up to 95th percentile on writing so maybe I do? I don’t know), but at least I can do something right. Sort of.