I feel very far, far, far away from home.
I woke up and made a trek to the grocery store, but the world around me didn’t look the same as it did the day before. Maybe the neighbors changed their façades and I never noticed?
So I kept walking, I turned left and I crossed the street, but it all just looks stranger. Newer. The street signs and license plates and people here don’t look anything like home. But I felt excited so I looked around and went in shops and engaged in these new surroundings until I passed my reflection and this person looks nothing like me.
I don’t think I believe in the mystical, which is why when things line up or coincidences (of which my life contains many) appear, I am surprised. I failed. Miserably. At something I wanted. Desperately. And repeatedly. Even after I followed the advice of people who are better at the thing than me.
I built myself and my identity up around this thing that was uncertain but I was so sure of it, and it turns around I was flat-out wrong. Maybe I thought this was my thing because I have nothing else. Or maybe I thought this was my thing because it was supposed to be my thing. Or maybe I thought this was my thing because it is the thing of people with similar interests as mine. But honestly: I don’t know. I don’t know if I should push harder or look for another route or move on and look at something else. This thing was supposed to save me. This thing felt like my way back home.
But after a very fortifying “hey, yeah, no, this isn’t your thing,” I went on Twitter for comfort. Only to see a tweet from a random person saying, “People fail all the time!” So I went onto Youtube for natural 4C hair tutorials. Only to see, “How to deal with failure.” So I went to Facebook, only to see a person with a similar thing getting a fortifying “Fuck yeah, this is totally your thing!” So I watched Bones. It was a guy doing the thing. So I watched Buffy. And Buffy was talking about losing her thing.
The universe is very fucking rude like that.
So what now? Well I have two options: (1) find a new identity because, seriously, I rooted my entire life on this one thing, or (2) find another way to do this thing and get back home. And as all of this is happening around me, three friends have notified/pushed/not-so-subtly nudged me regarding my previous thing, the thing I loved so much that I let myself drown in it until I hated it. The thing that also didn’t feel like my thing.
Who was I before this thing? Who am I now outside of this thing? I don’t know.
I am going to read James Baldwin for guidance and enroll in free online classes (and get nanodegrees in cool things that may become my thing) via Coursera and edX and Udacity until I find my footing. I am going to play beautiful music and write beautiful (read: ugly) things until I find the correct orientation.
Maybe I’ll compose a song for Beyoncé or become a beloved writer/émigrée living in France/project manager for some pretentious as shit corporate company that I vaguely dislike less than other pretentious as shit corporate companies.
I hope people won’t abandon me.
I’m afraid that I can’t do this alone.